Nobody Expects the Italian Inquisition
by cynically quixotic
Summary: Xemnas had his fair share of odd days. None of them had ever involved a strange black-haired man sitting on his throne, sipping tequila and demanding steak right now, damned trash. Crack ficlets of each Organization member and their Reborn! counterparts.
1. Superior Scum

Xemnas, as the leader of Organization XIII, had had his fair share of odd days. However, none of them had ever involved a strange black-haired man sitting on his throne, sipping tequila with his feet resting on an ottoman Xemnas was certain had never been in the castle. The base of the throne was littered with shards from broken wine glasses.

The stranger stared down at him, his expression unreadable. Xemnas stared back, unsure of what to do in this situation. Then the man spoke.

"Fetch me steak, trash."

* * *

><p>Xanxus was in a lousy mood. He'd awoken to find himself somehow fully dressed in his uniform, not in his bedroom, not with his alcohol, and certainly <em>not<em> with his steak. He hadn't had steak for nearly ten hours. This was due to him tossing wine glasses at Squalo's head, body and everywhere else until the shark finally agreed (very loudly) to get him steak at three in the morning, which he had only done because he was sick of reeking of alcohol and picking glass shards out of his hair.

Xanxus had been stuck in this strange round room for hours. Eventually he'd been bored enough to use his guns to propel himself up to inspect each of the thrones, finding a wine glass in each and a bottle of tequila in the highest one. Still no steak. The all-white interior made him feel like he had somehow ended up in hospital, or at least in Squalo's hair. He missed his throne. And his steak.

He now stared down at the silver-haired man. This throne wasn't too bad at all. It would do until he got back to Varia headquarters. He lazily aimed his gun in the man's general direction, not bothering to shift from his newly-acquired seat.

"Why do I always get the useless trash?" He muttered. "Get me filleted beef _now_, scum." The leather-clad man gave him a blank stare.

"I believe this is _my_ castle, and I have the right to know who you are and why you are occupying my throne," he said calmly.

"You'll have to speak up, trash," Xanxus called from his lofty perch. "I can't hear you."

That was when the pillar the throne was resting on suddenly crumbled and collapsed, taking Xanxus down with it.

* * *

><p>Xemnas now had a clearer view of the stranger climbing out of the wreckage. He somehow managed to look dignified even though the marble dust had settled in his previously-black hair and aged him about thirty years.<p>

"As I asked before," he said almost pleasantly, "who are you and what are you doing in my castle? Are you from another world?"

"I'm from a world where they actually have steak," Xanxus scowled. "Scum," he added for good measure.

"Is that so..." Xemnas peered closer. "Anus."

"What?"

"That's what it says on your nametag," Xemnas raised his hands defensively. 'Anus' stared down at the shiny bronze nametag on his lapel. He could have sworn that hadn't been there a minute ago. He noticed that the other had one too.

"Mansex, hm? The peacock trash will like you." Now it was Xemnas' turn to examine his new nametag.

"What an intriguing development," he mused. "Now we must decide how to send you back to your own world. I cannot afford to keep you here while you continue to destroy my furniture, drink my wine and eat my steak." Unfortunately, Xanxus only caught one part of that.

"You have steak? Fucking trash, why didn't you say so before?" He growled.

"Not at the moment," Xemnas lied smoothly. "Steak will take a trip to the village, which is several days journey, and by the time you return it will have been quite spoilt and unfit for consumption." Xanxus twitched, already in the beginning stages of withdrawal.

"You must tell me more of your world," Xemnas continued. "The more data I can collect, the sooner you can return to easily-accessible steak."

"So I'm in another world?" Xanxus mused. He had started to believe this was all an elaborate prank on the part of the frog brat. He certainly wouldn't put it past him.

"While we converse, allow me take you on a tour of the castle." The pantry, to be exact. Xemnas didn't want to be there when Xanxus finally succumbed to steak-deprived wrath.

The two leaders-in-leather made to leave Where Nothing Gathers... only to find that there was no exit.

"How odd," Xemnas mused. "I've never been unable to open a corridor of darkness before."

"Steak. _Now._ Trash." Xanxus tried to shoot through the walls, floors, and Xemnas. Unfortunately his cravings seemed to be affecting his aim.

"It would seem as though we are stuck here for the time being," Xemnas stated calmly. Xanxus suddenly got a horrible feeling in his gut. A sense that someone was controlling every aspect of the situation around him. He'd felt this before, albeit briefly. He supposed Xemnas had never experienced it before, since he was still mulling over their current predicament.

_**"Look out 4 da next chappie, which will b abt Xiggy and - oops, cant gif away teh surprise!11!1!11! lolol"**_

Xemnas looked up, alert. "What was that?"

Xanxus' worst suspicions had been confirmed. They were doomed.


	2. Shiny Toy Guns

Xigbar glanced up sharply from where he was polishing his guns, and that is not an euphemism for anything. (Yeah, right.)

"Someone's been firing powerful guns," he muttered, his sniper senses tingling. "And it wasn't me!" With that, he picked up his Sharpshooter and headed towards the source of commotion while hanging from the ceiling, just because he could.

When he reached Naught's Skyway, where his snipey senses were leading him, he saw absolutely nothing. "Could my snipey senses have misled me?" He wondered aloud, then quickly dismissed the thought.

"As if."

"_Ciaossu_."

"Wha-?" A huge silhouette on the wall shifted. Xigbar followed it with his one eye, noting where it tapered down to... a tiny baby in a smart fedora and black suit.

"I repeat. Wha?"

The baby stared at him with its terrifyingly black soulless face-pits. Xigbar was miffed that the baby had _two_ huge eyes. It was as if the world was mocking him. All the worlds.

"How'd you get in the castle, kid?"

"I don't know," the kid said dispassionately. "I woke up, and I was here." Xigbar spotted the tiny CZ75 1ST he was toting.

"That was you?" He gestured with his Sharpshooter. "You were the one firing those shots?" Ordinarily he wouldn't even entertain the thought of a baby wielding a gun, but he could believe anything of this one. He gave him the creeps. It was probably something to do with the weird shadow.

"No," the kid said, and Xigbar relaxed. The kid had probably just picked up the gun from somewhere. What had he been thinking? Of course a kid wouldn't be able to-

"I haven't found anyone to shoot since I woke up here," he continued, and Xigbar's relief was short-lived as his hopes were dashed violently to the rocks like a paper boat in a class 12 hurricane.

"Okay, kid." Xigbar made sure not to let any of the unease he was feeling show. "We should figure out how to get you home." The baby sniffed, tugging his fedora brim lower to cast a shadow further over his eyes.

"I don't take orders, least of all from someone named _Bigrax_."

"... What." Xigbar gaped at him. How the fuck did he know about the nickname Axel and Demyx had coined?

"It's on your nametag." Like his Superior before him, Xigbar glanced down to find a neat bronze nametag pinned to his standard-issue leather coat, with the name _BIGRAX_ engraved clear as Axel's hair.

"As if, kid," Xigbar shot back when he remembered to close his mouth. "The name's _Xigbar_. Shouldn't you be sitting at a playground bench waiting for your mama?"

"Maman has more pressing concerns and far too many mouths to feed," the baby levelled a stare at him with the soul-sucking black holes he had for eyes. "I am more than capable of taking care of myself."

The way he said it, Xigbar believed him. He stared back at the baby, feeling whatever was left of his heart slowly draining as they locked eye(s). Xigbar was constantly having to switch gazes with each eye, and he was aware that this was making him look extremely shifty to the extreme - wait, wrong character. These were rather unfair odds, and Xigbar inwardly cursed the day Terra had put his eye out and handicapped him forever in staring contests.

Suddenly there was a muffled _boom_, and the baby was enveloped in a cloud of pink smoke.

* * *

><p>When the Marluxia-coloured smoke cleared, Xigbar's eye widened as he caught sight of the shadow again on the wall... this time leading to a tall man actually proportionate to his silhouette.<p>

"Holy fuck," Xigbar said before he could stop himself.

"Your name is _Boring_?"

_BANG._

The once-baby blew the top of his semi-automatic's smoking barrel and crushed his metal nametag in one fist.

"The name is _Reborn_." The pistol transformed into a tiny green chameleon and the man rubbed its head affectionately with one finger. "Isn't that right, Leon?" The chameleon purred in response. How it was able to do so remains a mystery to all crazy cat ladies to this day.

* * *

><p>The basement trio were, predictably, in the basement. Or as the Organization referred to it, Nothing's Call. Vexen was busy with his experiments, Lexaeus with yet another puzzle, and Zexion with one of his lexicons. All of a sudden, a corridor of darkness opened in the ceiling and a spray of arrows peppered the room, shattering the test tubes and ripping the lexicon apart. Vexen gazed in horror at his ruined worktop.<p>

"_Xigbar!_"

Xigbar jumped in and out of wormholes at random intervals, firing his guns in every direction. That wasn't unusual in the slightest. The odd thing was that he was in his underwear and there was a bright flame burning on his forehead.

"Xigbar, why are you half-naked?" Zexion demanded. "And why is your head on fire? Have you been drinking with Axel again?" Xigbar cartwheeled past him into yet another wormhole.

_"Mess with boring old farts with my dying will!"_

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile<em>

Xemnas' head snapped up. "Did you hear that?" Xanxus ignored him in favour of shooting at the walls some more. Xemnas sighed and poured himself another shot of tequila.


End file.
